Play-By-Play

BEAUTY AND THE BRIEFCASE

Released: 2010 on ABC Family
Director: Gil Junger
Starring: Hilary Duff

There's a whole industry of made-for-TV rom coms that flood the airwaves on an almost daily basis. While there might not be enough actual content to these films to warrant critical analysis, I wanted to find a way to explore the utter ridiculousness of how rom coms have manifested themselves on television. In Play-By-Play, I take a detailed (and humorous) walk through the utterly ridiculous plots of some of TV's worst excuses for romance. I watch this stuff so you don't have to!

Grade: D 

“I just got hired by Cosmo, the world’s greatest magazine, to go undercover and date hot men in suits. Does it get any better than this?” 

I’m not saying Beauty and the Briefcase is the worst thing to ever happen to feminism, but I do think it probably cracks the top ten. To be fair, I’m talking about an ABC Family movie produced by/starring Hilary Duff so it’s my own fault for going in with any sort of expectations. Beauty and the Briefcase is shallow, stupid, and entirely devoid of emotional resonance. It’s the elevator music of movies, a bland film with so little soul it hardly even merits critical thought. So let’s just make fun of it, shall we?

The script for Beauty and the Briefcase was most likely written in one night as the screenwriter downed a box of wine and marathoned Never Been Kissed, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and a handful of Sex and the City episodes. Presumably thanks to the producer cred, most of the movie is just Hilary parading around in sexy outfits. The script is about 95% narration and the characters are so thinly drawn they are practically invisible.

Our little Hil stars as Lane, a would-be fashion writer determined to work at THE BEST MAGAZINE IN THE WHOLE WORLD Cosmo. (I’m assuming Cosmo singlehandedly funded this movie based on how much product placement they get.) Lane’s life is, like, so hard because there are no guys for her to date. After all, “The guys in fashion do wonders for my wardrobe, but they do nothing to help me find my magic man!” Lane has standards, you see, namely a checklist of the rom-com-qualities her “magic man” must possess:

1. Puts passion above common sense

2. Sexy accent

3. Spontaneous

4. Fashion sense

5. Fearless in the face of danger

6. Same taste in food

7. Travels to exotic locations on a whim

8. Plays sexy musical instrument

9. Witty statements on the tip of his tongue

10. Public fights and torrid make up sex

The list is so adorably twee that you can already figure out she’ll learn to ditch it in favor of a “real man” who is better than any “magic man” ever could be. Unfortunately this movie is 120 minutes long so we’re not quite there yet.

After praying to a Cosmo shrine (I wasn’t kidding about the product placement thing) Lane heads off for her first ever pitch meeting with the magazine (conveniently set up by her fashion photographer friend Joanne, the kind of rom com best friend who is weirdly 100% invested in the life, love, and woes of her bestie. Where can I find one of those?).

After casually passing by some ads for other ABC Family programing (intended to brainwash you into watching 10 Things I Hate About You and Making It or Break It) and only falling over once (those Lizzie McGuire roots will never really go away), Lane arrives for her meeting with Cosmo editor Kate White (Jamie Pressly). Lane pitches such riveting articles as “Fashion trends for the elite.” (Isn’t that what all fashion trends are?) and  “Wearing boyfriend jeans when you don’t have a boyfriend. Fabulous or faux paus?” (Kill me now.) Thankfully Kate has enough sense to turn down Lane’s terrible pitches and send her out the door. As you often admit to potential employers who have just rejected you, Lane sighs, “I guess I’m going to rush home and cuddle up to my imaginary boyfriend.” She’s such a shining example of professionalism. Suddenly bowled over by Lane’s insightful commentary of what it means to be a woman in the 21^st century, Kate exclaims. “Wait! There’s a story here, joining the business world to find love!”

Thus sets off the actual plot of Beauty and the Briefcase. Lane will sneak her way into the business world and see what it’s like to date in an industry not compromised almost exclusively of gay men. Coming from a theatre background myself (a similarly straight-male-lacking-industry) this premise did make me laugh. But in a “haha, that’s funny” way, not in an “I want to watch a 120 minute movie about that” way. The things I do for this blog.

Lane gets a job in the “business world” with surprising ease after lying on her resume and scheming her way out of a software test. There’s no logical sense as to how she would actually do this job, but according to her impressive resume she is proficient in excel and powerpoint, so that’s something. She gets hired as an assistant to “businessman” Tom (Michael McMillian), but who cares about actually working when you can stare at men all day?!?! (“Men with ties, men without ties, men with ties tossed over their shoulders.”)  Lane is so distracted she can’t even pay attention during her orientation. (“I nod a lot and look impressed as I survey the men in suits situation.”) She also totally has the upper hand because “The few women here, they’re not even trying.” (Yeah remember that whole anti-feminist thing I was talking about?)

After drooling her way through the tour, Lane gets settled in. “My own cubicle? It’s paradise!” she exclaims as she sits at a desk that is blatantly not a cubicle. “I’m like Ann Hathaway in the Devil Wears Prada.” We’re treated to a prolonged scene in which men ogle her and she looks pleased. Seemingly every man in the office asks her out including office hottie Seth (Matt Dallas, of Kyle XY fame, that show where he didn’t have a bellybutton). “They’re drawn to me like moths to a flame.” This firm is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.

As Lane flirts here way around the office, she gets to know Tom, her dorky boss who creates hand signals for efficient communication, buys six of the same shirts, and eats an identical lunch everyday. He’s got a girlfriend and doesn’t fit anything on Lane’s list. And the fact that he is featured on the movie poster means nothing about who Lane is ultimately going to fall for. No way. Not at all. Their banter is just embarrassing and also kind of troubling. Tom calls her a “smartass” on her first day and then nicknames her “Ab Fab” since she likes fashion. Maybe keep things a little professional, Tom?   

Lane proceeds to wear inappropriate workplace clothing and decorates her desk with cute accessories because it’s not like a woman writing in the fashion world is actually intelligent or anything. Well, she does add some bullet points to a memo and everyone loses their shit because she is SUCH A GENIUS when it comes to visuals. Remember that everyone, it will be important later. Lane=visual genius. Got it?

Ugh, enough with this boring office stuff, am I right? While out with Joanne, the eternally self-sacrificing best friend, Lane bumps into Liam (Chris Cormack) a British hottie who she meets in the most adorable way when she spills a drink on him. He counters, “Lane I’m not leaving this seat until you agree to have dinner with me next Thursday night.” Making aggressive demands upon first meeting someone is such a turn on.

Even a toddler would have a sneaking suspicion that Liam is not who he seems to be (flirty British men who claim to own record labels are like that), but assuming Lane has the intelligence of a toddler might be too generous. Liam fits almost every item on her checklist. Plus who wouldn’t be smitten with his horrible accent and totally believable British slang like, “Sounds like you’re dashing off to meet another bloke!” and “That dress you’re wearing? A bloke doesn’t stand a chance.” At this point I’d like to inform you that Chris Cormack’s previous roles include “Douchbag Boyfriend” in the 2010 short filmed called Masturbate for Life. You’re welcome.

Anyway, Lane is in so much trouble because she is supposed to only date guys from the business world, and Liam is a tortured artist who theoretically owns a record label, which sounds like a business to me, but whatever. She goes to Kate and tries to pitch a new story about meeting the perfect guy when you least expect it, but Kate is all “This is an actual magazine and you can’t just change your story so please try to be professional. Also break up with Liam and date everyone in your workplace.” Bosses are just the worst, right?

Speaking of bosses, Tom finds out that Lane lied on her resume and is totally pissed about it. Which leads me to wonder what Lane’s plan was for actually staying in the business world for more than a week, but whatever, he doesn’t actually care that much and she keeps her job so it’s fine. You know what’s not fine? The scene in which Tom is on a video conference call with a client and Lane comes in to do some filing and ends up bending over a lot and the client is so distracted by her ass he literally cannot finish his sentences so Tom sends Lane away. She’s referred to as a “distraction” and then she apologizes for it! But Tom is so charming and laughs the whole thing off, “Don’t worry about it. It took a bit to get Mr. Belmont’s concentration back, but it was the highlight of the meeting.” Haha sexual harassment and the objectification of female employees is so hilarious. Sometimes I can’t stop laughing thinking about it. Maybe the constant creepiness of their male coworkers is why those female employees “stopped trying.” Maybe they, I don’t know, wanted to protect themselves from the scumbag clients who cannot complete a thought when in the vicinity of a female? Idk. Sounds like they’re probably total bitches anyway.

Lane, meanwhile, has decided to ignore Kate’s demand that she dump Liam and date around her office. (Is this prostitution?) How can Lane continue to date these boring businessmen when Liam texts “YOU NAUGHTY MINX” in all caps? How could any woman resist that? Plus, “He’s pretty skilled in the chocolate and love making departments.” Ew. But Kate is totally set on Lane finding her magic man in the business world so our brilliant little Lane decides to continue to write about dating Liam but call him “Seth,” that guy from the office that we all forgot about by now. (“Now that is creative writing.”) Because I guess just fabricating the idea that a British guy named Liam worked in her office would be too convoluted? Ugh, Lane is such a genius when it comes to making things up. And visuals. Don’t forget about the visuals.

Oh wait, but we have to get back to Tom because this movie somehow needs three male love interests for Lane. Half of her conversations with Tom are about recycled paper and the other half are weirdly personal. (After learning Tom and his girlfriend broke up Lane says “We could have gotten drunk and thrown eggs at her apartment.” Not an inappropriate thing for a boss and his assistant to do at all.) Lane takes Tom SHOPPING to improve his wardrobe which then proceeds to look exactly the same because Tom was actually pretty good at dressing himself before Lane arrived, but I guess now he owns a more diverse collection of shirts, so, huzzah!

The big confrontation scene where Tom finds out about the article (because she left it in her printer, doh!) is weirdly nondramatic. He says things like “I thought I knew you Lane!” and Lane is angry as well for some reason, even though I’m pretty sure she’s 100% in the wrong here for faking her way into a company in order to write an expose on dating in the business world. But she worked so hard on those visuals for the big presentation and Tom is totally ignoring that. Ugh. Boys are the worst.

So Lane calls Liam and is all like “I want you to come over and hold me and hand me tissues.”  (I’m not kidding, that is an actual line she says to him.) Liam claims to be in London so Lane heaves a heavy sigh and settles for going out to dinner with Joanne. Lane complains the night away, and Joanne looks at her, her eyes slightly bugged out, and you can tell the voice inside her head is screaming “I love you so much. Don’t ever leave me. I want to crawl inside your skin and become you. You are my BEST FRIEND.”

In a totally shocking turn that no one saw coming except everyone who was watching this movie, it turns out Liam is actually an American waiter not a British mogul!! Ugh. Again. Boys are the worst. (At least the accent was supposed to be fake.) Lane catches Liam and his fellow waiter-cohort in the act of seducing another helpless girl in the very restaurant she and Joanne were eating at! (Joanne’s internal monologue: “Finally a chance to prove my love for Lane! I will kill this man for betraying her! And then eat him!”) Lane accuses Liam  of tricking her into sleeping with him and then she and Joanne throw drinks in his face. Girl power! Amiright? I mean there is no way having the person you are dating turn out to be a total fraud would be emotionally devastating. Let’s not give Lane any time to process that one, just power through it, girl. (I’m really just curious what Liam’s plan was here. It’d be one thing if he used this trick in a one night stand capacity, but he was kind of seriously dating Lane for a while. Was he just going to keep it going forever? Were they going to get married? Would he have to use that terrible accent until he died? It never occurred to him that she might go to the restaurant where he worked? Oh Liam, I guess you’re just a beautiful, dumb bloke.)

That officially puts Liam out of the picture and since Seth was never really in the picture, we’re left with just good ole Tom. Even though she thought she was fired, it turns out Tom still needs Lane for her AMAZING VISUALS for the BIG MEETING, so she rushes over with some giant cardboard cutouts that look like they were made in Word and totally Vanna White’s the shit out of the meeting. And she also convinces Tom to stand up for himself and introduce a green initiative that will save the company a ton of money and protect the department. Random environmentalism! Huzzah! Then Lane admits to Tom, “I didn’t deserve to work for a guy like you.” It’s like Legally Blonde without the message of female empowerment!

Lane ’s finally learns that having a checklist of perfect qualities isn’t so helpful after all, so she takes a big risk and writes about her personal journey rather than the business-world-meet-cute story her editor wanted. Except it turns out her personal journey is exactly the story her editor wanted all along! In fact, Kate had so much weird foresight on where all of this was going, she already designed the cover of next month’s Cosmo with a giant picture of Lane on it. Because I guess every first-time Cosmo writer does a super fancy photoshoot for no reason? And Cosmo is always putting unknown writers on their covers. Kate even has one of those big cardboard versions of it all ready to go in her office, hidden behind a cloth, just waiting to be revealed at the most dramatic moment. (I’m assuming Joanne has a similar giant cardboard cutout of Lane in her bedroom, but for other reasons.) Because Kate is starting to reach Joanne-levels of investment in Lane’s personal life, she painstakingly talks Lane through the fact that Tom is actually the perfect guy for her After all, he fits none of her checklist qualities. Don’t worry, they go through them one by one in case you forgot!

So Lane goes running through the hallways of her old office (because I guess time is weirdly of the essence here?) and declares her love for Tom in front of a conference room full of people. Turns out he loves her too! They kiss and everyone in the conference room literally gives them a standing ovation. And then he weirdly carries her out of the meeting in his arms like she is a baby. It’s an appropriate last image for a film that argues that a woman’s role in the work place is to look super cute, find a boyfriend, and do the arts & crafts projects. 

Romance: 1
Feminism: 0